random porn customers… part 40 (porn swap)

Okay, so when I worked at the porn store, I sold a lot of porn movies to people.  Sometimes people wouldn’t like what they ended up with and would ask to trade for another movie. The porn store went through five managers while I was there. Depending on which manager I had at the time, the policy for a movie exchange was:

a) let the customer trade the movie for another one
b) only a defective movie can be exchanged
or
c) tell the customer tough shit

I followed the changes in movie exchange policies for awhile, until I said fuck it and developed my own exchange system. It was a lot easier that way… and more entertaining.  If a movie was defective, I would take it back and let the person pick out some functioning smut.  Then I would write “1st exchange” on the person’s receipt. This would deter people who would pay 19.95 for one movie, and then proceed to exchange it 4 or 5 times while using the “defective” excuse.

Movies that weren’t defective were brought back because customers didn’t like the content of the movies. I based my exchange decision for these solely on the reason why a customer didn’t like a particular movie.  A reason like, “This movie shows these people on the cover, but they aren’t in the movie”, was fine with me. “The camera work in this movie was so shitty, my blind grandmother could have done a better job”, worked too. “This movie has Ron Jeremy”, not only worked, but most likely warranted a look of sympathy from me.

Then their were the reasons given that didn’t work on me. An exchange for, “This movie called ‘Only Blowjobs’ has only blowjobs in it… no sex”, wasn’t going to happen. Neither was, “The chicks with big 80’s hair on the cover of this movie also have big 80’s bushes”.  “This movie called ‘Unnatural Sex’ only has oral and anal sex, no regular sex”, wasn’t floating my boat either.

So to recap, if a movie was defective or the customer could give me a valid reason, I would let them have another movie. If the customer was stupid and didn’t even look at the box cover to begin with, porn store policy ‘c’ went back into effect… tell the customer tough shit.

10 Comments

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  1. RETURN PORN?? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Who in their right mind would return porn of any kind?!! That just seems Ludicrous! and I don’t mean the rapper! I once had a book that was nothing but crazy incest stories, and horse fucking….I didn’t throw it away …yes some parts creeped me out but fuck IT WAS PORN!! I found a couple of good descriptive passages and I broke the spine on them! Not to mention polishing the wood…Stupid people.

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  2. Plus there’s the whole hygiene thing.

    I mean, you know what they were doing at the same time they were handling the porn.

    Did you snap on a pair of rubber gloves and slather the returned porn in Purell?

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  3. How about somebody complaining that “Rough Sex” certainly wasn’t rough in their opinion (A friend loaned it to me, but wanred me it was tame in her opinion).

    N

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  4. I’m actually curious about the Library of Porn Congress catalog system employed at porn stores. How rigorous is it?

    Also, years ago, I worked for an Iowa City video company that had an extensive porn collection. I recall that the 2-day rentals for porn were $4-$5 higher than regular non-porn videos, but nobody ever complained.

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  5. we had a similiar policy at the love shop. we would allow customers to exchange DVD’s if they were defective ONLY. and then I got to take the “defective” movies home and watch them to see if they were in fact defective. so, after watching gay porn, grandma porn, trannie porn, lesbo porn, gonzo porn, story line porn I would take the ones that worked back to work and put them on the shelf and resell em. the other ones were thrown into a “$5 maybe they work maybe they don’t but hey only $5” pile.

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  6. I think you should have charged a $5 “restocking” fee on all non-defective returns. That way, you get to put them back on the shelf and, hey, and extra $5 in your pocket.

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  7. Erikka– I had to take home defective movies and watch them as well.

    Not all porn is good… some of it can be incredibly boring. Often the “defective” movies I had to watch were so bad that I would sort my laundry while the movies were playing : )

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