When I worked at the porn store, Greg came in one time to check out the place.  He browsed the DVDs, but decided my store had too much boring porn.  Unfortunately for him, the store didn’t carry much specialty porn, like hardcore S & M, tranvestite porn, or butch lesbians with power tools.

Even though the store was underwhelming for him, Greg decided he wanted to buy a souvenir.  He came up to the register with a package of cock rings.  We got into a discussion about whether cock rings go over just the penis, or the whole cock-and-balls.  How they’re worn depends on what kinds of cock rings they are.  Either way, I told Greg the cock rings he picked would be too small for him (not that I knew personally).  He got all flustered, and told me he wanted that size. I kept telling him they wouldn’t work, but I rang them up anyway.

A couple of weeks later, Greg told me I was right… those cock rings were too small for him : )

*I thought this story about Greg would be a appropriate way to end the random porn customer stories since he was the one who got into this whole blog thing. I sure miss him.

It looks like the adult magazine Gallery is going out of business.  When I worked at the porn store, the Gallery Girl Next Door of the Year was from St. Joseph, Missouri.  She came to the store and signed magazine copies and topless photos of herself…  I bet her parents were so proud.

Lots of adult magazine companies are hurting now because so much free porn can be found on the internet.  But, when I worked at the porn store, magazines were still selling hand over fist.  Customers would page through the magazines, or pick them up and see which ones weighed the most so they could get the most for their money.  We also sold older issues in 3-packs, and customers would try to take them apart and put three of their favorite magazines together, or put a new magazine in the middle.  One guy would always ask for a trash bag to put his magazines in.  It turns out he rode the bus, and our white bags were see-through.  He didn’t want to get disapproving looks from any old ladies on the bus.

P.S. — This is my 49th random porn customer story. I’m porn customered out… I’ve told you most of my dirty stories, and I think the 50th will be my last one.

I only worked at the porn store for a few years, but I had six different bosses by the time I left. I’m pretty sure boss #1 was a meth head.  What makes me think that? It could have been her bone thinness. Or maybe the “rode hard and put away wet” look. Possibly the teeth rotting out of her head. But also because she went on benders and skipped work for days at a time.  Finally someone higher up got tired of her crap, fired her, changed the locks, and hired boss #2.

Actually, boss #2 wasn’t so bad. He didn’t sleep with any of the staff, which is more than I can say for boss #3.  She slept with several staff members (no, not with me).  And the reason I know this is because she told everyone… in detail.  And she had a couple of lecherous sugar daddies who hung out at the porn store.  Eww.  She eventually slept her way up to a promotion, and then boss #4, sneaky supervisor, was hired.  I’ve written about him before… but long story short, he fired a coworker and me because of a birthday cake.  What an idiot.

I was rehired by a friend who was boss #5.  I have no complaints about her whatsoever… she was wonderful.  However, she got sick of the place and finally walked out. Management asked if I wanted to run the place. Hell no. This was a part time gig for me. I had my library job during the day. Besides, there was no way I going to tell my parents  they put me through college so I could be a manage a porn store.

The higher ups then promoted another employee who was very young.  And possibly a tall midget.  Well, she wasn’t all that short… she just had midget proportions.  Anyway, boss #6 wasn’t all bad, but things went downhill when she started sleeping with a coworker.  They would talk about how they had sex on the sales counter after the store closed. Lovely, huh?  I started disinfecting at the beginning of all my shifts.  The two were finally fired because they moved in together, or got caught having sex in the store dumpster… something along those lines.  At that point, I no longer cared.

By the time management was interviewing for boss #7, I had put in my two weeks notice.  7 may be a lucky number, but I didn’t want to try my luck with another bad boss.


The porn store carried all kinds of condoms… colored, flavored, glow in the dark, ribbed, studded, spiral/corkscrewed shaped, desensitizing ones, sensitizing ones, extra long, extra wide, and extra thin condoms. A few customers would look at the selection and get a overwhelmed.

However, this one customer who came in always knew what he wanted in condoms… banana flavor. Every time Banana Man came in, he would buy a pack of these damn banana flavored condoms. One day after he left, a coworker and I decided to open a package to see what they tasted like. So she and I stood at the counter with yellow condoms on our fingers and tasted them.

The only word I can think to describe the taste would be… putrid. The sickly sweet faux banana flavored latex was so disgusting, I can’t even think of anything to compare it to, except maybe banana Laffy Taffy stuck to a surgical glove and left under a car seat to ripen for a year.

When Banana Man came in another time to purchase his gagalicious favorite, I asked him what was up with the banana crap. He said his girlfriend loved the flavor. I guess if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I never worked at Ray’s Video, but it was probably my favorite porn store in the city. It was located at 3324 Main in Kansas City, the perfect location for perusing porn after getting drunk in Westport. It never failed that I always would run into someone I knew there after the bars closed. We were all polite enough to never ask why the other person was there.

To me, Ray’s was everything a porn store should be, and that means a little dirty yet smelling of bleach.  How is that you ask? Well the main part of the store can be dirty, but the arcades, video booths where people jack off, have to be cleaned. And nothing cleans body fluids better than bleach.

The front room didn’t have much… a few racks of lingerie, some lube, gift cards, and regular magazines, like People and Time. But, when you entered the back room, it was like a porn lover’s dream. There were rows and rows of dirty movies. I think the weirdest movie box I saw the one with Ron Jeremy and a doll.  They had shelves of smut magazines, new and used. I bought a used Playboy there for an old friend with his favorite playmate in it.

And the toys! Actually there weren’t that many, now that I think about it. But they carried some cool ones.  I remember one time going there with several people after a few too many drinks for the sole purpose of looking at The Fist. We even took pics of ourselves making fists in front of the neon Ray’s sign. Like I said, a few too many drinks : )

Anyway, I loved Ray’s Video and now it’s gone. I guess I’ll have to find another dirty, used porn mag selling, bleach-smelling porn store elsewhere. Got any suggestions?

I used to hang out with a group of people that included a radio DJ. He had a rather distinct voice on air and in person.  On his radio show one night, he talked about penile pumps and how he would like to own one. A woman who worked at a porn store (not me) called in to the radio show and said she would give one to him.  All he had to do was come to the store and pick it up.

Anyway, the DJ didn’t really want the hose holder… the conversation just made for good radio. However, someone else did want that pump.  Some listener decided to pretend to be the DJ and scam a pump out of the porn store. From what I know of the story, the guy even did an imitation of the DJ’s voice when he went to the porn store. Apparently he was convincing enough that the porn clerk gave it to him.

Then that porn clerk called into the radio station to give the DJ some shit about the pump. And he had no idea what she was talking about.  But that’s his side of the story.  Who knows, maybe he actually got the free willy wacker, and the story was just his way of covering his tracks…

One night as I was closing the porn store, I found a guy in the store’s dumpster. Okay, actually he was on the ground going through trash bags he had pulled from the dumpster. The porn store’s dumpster had a fence around it with a door, so the guy had some privacy… until I came out to throw away that night’s trash. I pulled open the fence door and there he was, bent over a trash bag with that deer in the headlights look. He stared at me and I stared back until I couldn’t stand the suspense anymore. I asked Dumpster Diver what the hell he was doing.

Apparently, he had returned a defective movie to us the day before and exchanged it for another one. However, the movie he exchanged really wasn’t defective…he just said that to the clerk who did the exchange. Dumpster Diver thought we threw the defective movies away, and he came to find the movie he exchanged so he could have two porns for the price of one. It actually wasn’t a bad plan, except we didn’t throw away defective movies. We returned them to our warehouse. I told this to Dumpster Diver… as I made him throw all the trash bags back into the dumpster.

Customers would often come into the porn store looking for particular movies that they didn’t know much about.  Sometimes I could help, but often I couldn’t because there are massive amounts of porn made every year, and the porn store couldn’t possibly stock them all.

One guy asked me if I knew the movie about car salesmen that had a woman who ends up having sex with a clown in a bathtub.  That one was American Built featuring Nikki Dial.  A few customers requested “the movies that have rock stars throwing lunchmeat at chicks”.  That was the  series Backstage Sluts… classy, eh?  One asked for the movie with Ron Jeremy as Greek God Hermes.  The movie was called Underworld and Ron Jeremy’s version of Hermes was a cab driver with wings on his hat.

And speaking of Ron Jeremy, I’ve been looking for a particular movie with him in it lately.  I saw the box cover one night at Ray’s a few years ago.  The box cover featured Ron Jeremey having sex with an anatomically correct puppet.  Or maybe it was a doll.  Actually, I don’t know what the hell it was, but it reminded of a muppet.  So for a couple of months after this great find, I would drag different friends into Ray’s to look at the box cover.

Unfortunately, I don’t remember the title anymore, so lately I’ve been slightly obsessed with finding out what it is.  Now mind you, I don’t actually want to watch this damn movie.  I just want to know that I didn’t make it up in my head one drunken night.  So far, I haven’t found the name of this puppet porn, but dammit, I’m going to find it.  Maybe I just need to go to a porn store and ask the porn clerks if they know what movie I’m talking about.

I know I’ve talked about getting hit on at the porn store in a previous blog, but not about this aspect of it. On the days I dressed kind of sexy, with cleavage baring tops or short skirts, I hardly ever got hit on. Even if I had fishnets and heels on, not a nibble was usually to be had, unless you count drunken frat boys… and I don’t.

But sometimes I would have my hair up in a bun, hardly any makeup on, and would be wearing more conservative clothes. And on those days when I looked like, well, like a librarian, I had guys all over me. And they tended to talk to me more respectfully and asked me out for dates, not for fucks. One customer would ask me out every time I looked conservative, but he was always shyer when I had my chest hanging out.

Are the traditional sexy clothes too intimidating? Is there something to be said for looking approachable?  Or do you think the not-so-hot girls are easier? Come on guys, inquiring minds want to know. And ladies, have you had any experiences with this?