So the only time I’ve had a gun pulled on me was when the porn store was robbed one night and I had the distinct pleasure of being there. It was raining like crazy outside, so the store was a little slow on this particular night. It was one of the few nights I had a coworker with me…. normally we worked alone. So the coworker, let’s call her Marilyn, since Marilyn Monroe was her idol, she was at the register. And she was all excited about how cute she looked that night. She had on a low-cut dress, and she had worn some padding to make her boobs look bigger.
I was bored since it was slow, so I started cleaning shelves and merchandise. So I’m sitting on the floor, pulling boxed edible underwear off the shelves so I could dust, when in walked this guy with a gun. He had on a big puffy coat, the kind that always reminds me of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. He also had on a stocking cap pulled down low and a mask over his nose and mouth.
Stay-Puft Robber went up to Marilyn behind the register and tried to pull her to the register to get the money. She pointed out to him that he actually drug her over to the camera video monitor. Geez, must have been his first robbery. So he got Marilyn to the register, and started yelling at her to get the money. He yelled at the customers to not look at him while he’s at it…. like people are going to not look at someone who is robbing a place.
But surprisingly, Stay-Puft Robber did not see me because I was sitting on the floor next to a shelving unit. Now, I always imagined if the store got robbed, that I would grab a big-ass double dong off the wall and smack the person upside the head with it. Then, I would chain the robber to the door with some fuzzy cheetah handcuffs until the police got there. But I guess having someone actually rob the place really put shit into perspective for me. Did I really want to put my life on the line for a few hundred dollars and some vibrating pussies and cocks? Uh, no.
So I did the first thing that came to my head…. I hit the mother fucking door. It surprised the Stay-Puft Robber because he hadn’t even clocked me. He pointed the gun at me and said “Get your ass back in here”. I just wanted to say, “Look fucker, I’m already out the God damned door… you really think I’m coming back in there?” But I didn’t. Instead, I booked my ass to the neighboring convenience store in the rain. I promise, you have never seen a white girl run that fast in the rain across 6 lanes of traffic in your life.
I called the police from the convenience store and waited for them to show up at the porn store. So what happened? The police officers pulled up in front of the convenience store with shotguns. They came in and and one officer asks, “Where’s the guy?” All the employees at the convenience store and I looked at the cops like they wer doughnut eating idiots. I said, “The robbery is across the street.”
So the police and I went across the street to see what was going on at the porn store, but Stay-Puft Robber was gone. My coworker Marilyn was in her element with the police questioning her. She said things like, “I think the guy liked me… I’m glad I wore my falsies in my bra today.” She wanted to be the next mother fucking Patty Hearst. Anyway, since I was the more level- headed of the two of us porn slingers, I went to the back of the store to grab the tape from the video cameras. We always put in a new tape every morning. Well, guess what? Someone forgot to hit the record button on the vcr that day… the one day we get robbed.
My coworker Marilyn continued to be a crakpot, and tried to describe Stay-Puft Robber’s hairstyle and lip shape to the police. I finally turned to her and said, “Look, the dude had on a stocking cap and a mask… when the hell did you see his hair and lips?” And I swear to God she said, “I didn’t, but I can envision what they might look like.”
Well for me, that was too much crazy for one night. I called the manager, had her take over, and I went home, regretting that I didn’t hit my coworker Marilyn in the head with a fucking double dong when I had the chance.