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I don’t work at the porn store anymore, but sometimes I run into customers from there.  Normally if they recognize me, we nod, maybe wave, or at the most, say hi.  Others who recognize me get a look of fear or horror in their eyes, usually because their significant others are present. With those people, I have enough tact not to start a conversation with them about their penchant for tranny porn.

Then there are some people who recognize me, but they aren’t quite sure why they know me.  I had it happen the other day.  I was going into a restaurant when a guy and his daughter or very young girlfriend were leaving the place. He told me he knew me from somewhere but wasn’t sure where.  I told him he looked familiar also but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I wasn’t sure if the girl was his daughter and I didn’t want to say, “I remember you too. You rented your way through the porn store’s entire collection of gang bang movies.”

So as you see, I’m quite never sure what to do with these people who only vaguely remember me. I feel a little weird pointing out a person’s porn store patronage. Should I say, “I remember you from the porn store”? Or something innocuous like, “I worked at a movie rental place” and see if they catch on? Or just play dumb and act like I have no clue where we have met? Help me out here… you know I could use any help I can get 🙂

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At the porn store, there were more than a few times when customers really embarrassed themselves.  One time a guy was swinging a double dong around and accidently hit himself in the nuts so hard that he fell down.  Another time, a woman was laughing so hard at a novelty toy that she peed on herself.

And my favorite was when a husband and wife were picking out a strap-on. The woman told her husband, “I get to fuck you with this!” and then someone from their church came around the corner in the store.

So I was curious… have you ever had anything embarrassing happen at a store, a bar, or anywhere in public? I’ll throw one of mine out for you… My boob popped out — Janet Jackson style– at my wedding during our first dance. Thankfully, I was able to shove it back in my dress before anyone noticed… or at least I tell myself that : )

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Keith suggested I write about how I started working in the porn store. After going to a Christian college where everyone knew my business, I moved to Kansas City where I knew no one. I loved being anonymous in a city. I could now drink at a bar until I fell off the bar stool, and pretty much no one batted an eye.

I looked for a regular job, but until I found one, I really needed money to support my drinking habit. I looked for part time jobs only the way someone completely burned out on Christian college could… by applying to places that would be scandalous. Note that I didn’t apply to any strip clubs, not even as a cocktail waitress, so “scandalous” was apparently pretty tame to my sheltered little mind at the time.

My part time job search ended with two job offers… Hooter’s and the porn store. In theory, I probably could have rocked the pantyhose and orange shorts combo at Hooters back in the day. But, as my husband likes to tell me, I have no business being a waitress. My apathy would show on my face instead of a smile, and that would mean no tips (and no drinking money) for me.

Instead, I decided to take my apathy to the porn store. And the rest, as they say, is history… or at least a good ice breaker at parties : )

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So when I worked at the porn store, I had some guy groupies. Now surely you are reading this and asking, “What the hell?”.  But I assure you there were guys who would only come in when I was working.  And they would ogle me, tell me jokes, and try to be witty until I would kick them out.

The ones who took up the most of my time were not yet 21, so they couldn’t go to any bars or clubs.  I guess porn stores are more interesting than libraries to some people who are underage. There were two guys under 21 who would come in together and they would always ask me to go to parties with them.  One night, I made a deal with them– I would go to a party that night if they wouldn’t come in and bug me for a few weeks. The guys thought they had died and gone to heaven.

So after I closed up the porn store, I drove my car to the local liquor store and the guys followed me. They stayed outside while I went in to buy my bottle of whatever. I was around 23 at the time and I was probably still in a rum phase. I got up to the counter with my big bottle of Bacardi, plus some vodka, and the guy at the counter wouldn’t ring me up.  He thought I was trying to provide minors with alcohol, since these guys were sitting in a car outside.  I told him, “Trust me, I need all this alcohol to hang out with them”, but to no avail.

I ended up telling the guys I had to skip the party.  There was no way I was going to a possibly super geeky sausage fest of a party without being able to drink. And since I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain, my guy groupies got to come into the store for the next few weeks anyway. I just couldn’t win.

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My better half and I just got back from a trip to Chicago, and somehow the only picture I took for 3 days was this:

We went to several bookstores while we were in Chicago, and this one had a whole “Geek” section, and “General Geek” was just a small part. And what types of books were considered general geek? Role playing, Japanese anime, and graphic novels. I’m a fan of some graphic novels, especially those of Daniel Clowes and Harvey Pekar, so I had to take a peek. Right next to the “General Geek” section was the “Sex” section, and of course I had to check that out too : )

The combination of sex books, anime, and graphic novels got me thinking about an adult comic called Cherry. Think x-rated Betty and Veronica. We checked out a few porn stores, but no dirty comics were found. I ended up finding some Cherry comics at a comic book store… of course. Next to Cherry, I found a comic called Dildo. I glanced at it… some of the dildos depicted were actually double-dongs, but I’m sure the target audience wasn’t going to be as nit-picky as me.

So why couldn’t I find any dirty comics in the porn stores? My porn store carried Penthouse Comics for a brief stint, but gave it up to have additional space for Juggs or DD Cups magazines in instead. The comic book stores and the book store with the “General Geek” section seemed to get it… people who look at anime and graphic novels probably want to look at the sex books too. So why don’t the porn stores get it?

If I owned a porn store, I would stock anything I thought would sell… adult comics, adult Japanese anime, clown porn, pacifiers, adult diapers…

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When I’m not selling naughty toys, I work in a library. I even have the standard issue librarian glasses that I wear on occasion. The other day, two Mormons came into the library. They had just gotten into town and wanted to use some computers. And what were they doing? Using Google Maps to plot out their door-to-door campaign for world domination/ indoctrination.

It reminded me of the time I was at the porn store pricing a new shipment of lingerie, and two guys came in wearing suits with ties. They asked me if I was saved and they wanted to tell me about the book of Mormon.  Now, I didn’t think they were even supposed to look at the kind of stuff we had, and I’m not sure how they ended up in my store. Maybe their own Google Map skills weren’t so hot.

I politely said something like, “You guys coming into a porn store to sell me religion is about like me going to your church to sell dildos. It’s not the right place and it’s kind of tacky.” I told them they needed to leave unless they were going to look around or buy something.  They looked at me like I was going to hell, thanked me for my time, and walked out. I don’t have anything against religion, I just don’t need it sold to me while I’m trying to price crotchless panties.

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Pretty much my favorite part of working in the porn store was the free porn rentals. I could take a brand new movie home before anyone had wanked off to it and put their jizz covered hands on the DVD discs. I’m selling movies via Edible Ecstasy, but I don’t really want to buy dirty movies… anymore.  So every once in awhile, I go into the old porn store to rent a movie or two.

The place is still pretty much the same. No VHS movies now, like when I started… just DVDs. They carry more gonzo style movies now (where people look into the camera) and less movies with plots for couples. And the porn actresses have always been pretty attractive, but the guys have gotten better looking too.

So after I pick out the dirty movies I want, I take them to the front counter. And I’ve noticed something interesting… most the girls who work there now act like I used to when I was there. And I used to be pretty apathetic and cooler than thou.  And you know what? Those new girls amuse me. When I see them, I just wanna say, “I used to be you. And hopefully you will grow out of that attitude like I did.”  Well, at least I mostly grew out of the attitude ; )