At the porn store, the bachelorette party groups who came in were pretty bad, but the bachelor groups really didn’t bother me.  They would buy inflatable women or animals, like sheep.  One of the blow up dolls was called the Perfect Date. She was only 3 feet tall… perfect for blowjobs, and she had a cup holder for the guy’s beer.

The guys would also usually buy some porn.  Sometimes it would be some regular porn, but often they had fun with it… big girl porn, midget porn, gerontophilia porn (sex with old people), tranny porn, and bend over boys movies.  What’s a bend over boy, you ask?  It’s a guy who bends over and takes it from a girl with a strap on dildo. (I bet you are sorry you asked now.)

And when bachelor parties, or guys in general go to strip clubs, it’s completely different than when women go to see the guys.  Men at strip clubs are just… quiet.  Guys just sit there with their hard ons and eight dollar drinks and enjoy the scenery.

On the other hand, women hoot, holler, whistle, and scream.  But I guess I can’t say much… at my bachelorette party, my group did its fair share of noise making.  Oh, and if you go to Diamond Joe’s for the male revue, I highly recommend Dante for a lap dance.  He’s worth way more than any amount of money you could give him… just ask anyone who was there with me that night 😉

When I worked at the porn store, a ton of bachelorette groups would come in to buy stuff. Out of all the customers, I think bachelorette parties were my least favorite… even worse than drag queens. Usually they would buy the stupid veil with the condoms on it, name tags with suggestive names, and the suck-for-a-buck t-shirts, where you suck a candy off the shirt for a dollar. And let’s not forget the penis cups, penis straws, and the 5 foot tall inflatable penis.

Bachelorette parties are also by far the most annoying groups of people in bars. They are loud and obnoxious, but they sure do make it easy for guys to pick them up. The guys I know will find the bride, then find one of her friends and figure out who is the most inebriated. That’s how they decide who to try to take home with them. I think the reasoning is anyone with a penis straw in her mouth is good to go.

I know how annoying a drunken gaggle of girls can be with penis hats on, so for my bachelorette party, I banned all veils, t-shirts with stupid slogans or candy on them, and all penis-shaped paraphernalia. And we didn’t go to a bar, we went to a strip club. And you know what? It felt pretty good getting a lap dance from a mostly naked man without having a stupid veil with penises attached on top of my head.

The porn store I worked at carried a lot of large stripper shoe sizes for the drag queens in the area. And let me tell you, they could be bitchier than real women. The drag queens would often come to the store in groups, and most would have attitude and expect me to wait on them hand and foot. And if you know me, you know that ain’t gonna happen.

First, they would want me to get out every pair of shoes and boots we had in size 12 and 13. Here I have to give them some props… stripper shoes are uncomfortable enough if they are the right size, but most of the time, these guys were shoving their feet into shoes that were at least a size too small. Sometimes it can hurt to be a beautiful bitch.

After I got out the shoes, they would try them on and strut around like they were supermodels. They wanted me to tell them which shoes looked the best. Usually I would point out one pair, and at least two of the drag queens would roll their eyes at me. Apparently, my taste was a bit sedate for their flamboyant style. But really, it didn’t matter what shoes I pointed to… they would have rolled their eyes at me anyway. They made it out like I was a woman… and I just couldn’t understand women’s shoes. Go figure.

Not all of the drag queens were bitchy, but most of them were. I mean, I can be bitchy, but not that bad… well, not until a drag queen gets in my face and pisses me off. One time, one yelled at me about something and called me fat, and I finally said, “Look bitch, my ass may be bigger than yours, but at least my tits are real.” We all got a good laugh out of it. After that, most of them were a lot nicer to me. I guess I just had to show them that a real woman could be just as much of a bitch as any old drag queen.

So I used to hit the strip clubs with some of my coworkers at the porn store. One time we went out to the Million Dollar Fantasy Ranch to see Elizabeth Hilden, 1997 Penthouse Pet of the Year. My coworkers and I would always try to dress stripper-cute for the strip clubs… little tops, short skirts, stripper heels… and this time was no exception. I wore a tiny top that zipped up the side, a black miniskirt, and platform heels.

We watched the dancers until the main attraction. Then Elizabeth Hilden came out to do her thing. My coworkers and I went to the stage to give her some tips. When I tried to give her my money, she told me to wait a minute. Then she pulled me up on stage and said, “I’m going to take your top off now, is that okay?” I mentioned to her that I didn’t have a bra on. She smiled at me and said, “I don’t think the audience will mind.” Then she unzipped my top, eventually had me lay down on the stage, and climbed on top of me.

Well, for the rest of the night, I had guys coming up to me and giving me tips. And one of the guys with us kept saying, “Are you sure you are not a stripper?” I had to tell him that I work in a library during the day, and a porn store at night, not a strip club.

When I worked at the porn store, customers frequently asked for porn movies with famous people in them. This was when sex tapes were getting really big, like the one with Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, and Tommy’s huge penis.

For the hell of it, I searched the internet for a list of famous people who have been in porn, to no avail. So I made a list of actors, actresses, musicians, and celebutantes I could think of who have been in porn movies….

Porn Cameos (non sex roles)

Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Eve 6 – “Backstage Sluts” series
Insane Clown Posse – “Backstage Sluts” series
Jonathan Davis (Korn) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Lemmy (Motorhead) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Snoop Dogg – “Doggystyle”
Lil Jon – “Vivid Vegas Party”
50 Cent – “Groupie Love”

Porn Movies

Jackie Chan – “All in the Family” [submitted by Death’s Door]
Sylvester Stallone – “Party at Kitty and Stud’s”
Scotty Schwartz (A Christmas Story) – “Still Insatiable”
Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard) – “Reign of Tera” (with wife Tera Patrick)
Ben Davidson (former NFL Oakland Raider) – “Behind the Green Door”
Dave Nelson (former NFL running back and American Gladiator ‘Titan’) – “Backfield in Motion”

Sex Tapes: Musicians

Tommy Lee (Motley Crue) and Pamela Anderson
Bret Michaels (Pretty boy from Poison) and Pamela Anderson
Vince Neil (tubby singer of Motley Crue)
Fred Durst (again… for pity’s sake, no one wants to see him have sex)
Usher (and two girls having sex to TLC song… he was dating band member Chili at the time)
R. Kelly (with an underage girl… hey she looked 18!)
Eve (rapper)
Trina (rapper)
Madonna and Vanilla Ice (or so he says)
Kid Rock and Scott Stapp from Creed (with 4 groupies in a bus… down by the river)

Sex Tapes: Actors and Actresses

Rob Lowe (seriously officer, both girls said they were 18)
Colin Farrell (and Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain)
Gena Lee Nolin (one of the many blondes on Baywatch)
Tom Sizemore (8 hour sex tape… damn)
Steve Guttenburg (3 Men and a Baby)
Kelsey Grammer (hey, I ain’t making this shit up)
Dustin Diamond (Saved By the Bell)

Sex Tapes: Athletes

O.J. Simpson (with two prostitutes)
Chyna and X Pac (former WWF wrestlers)
Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly (of Nancy Kerrigan knee-capping fame)

Sex Tapes: Famous Why?

Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon (Shannen Doherty’s husband at the time)
Paris Hilton, Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz, and former MTV VJ Simon Rex
Jordan (aka Katie Price, aka the British model with the huge rack)
Abi Titmuss (British personality – her name makes me giggle)
Keely Hazell (Page 3 model)
Kim Kardashian (socialite)
Bam Margera (of Jackass fame)

If you can think of anyone else famous who has been in porn, or random trivia, let me know and I’ll add them to the list. It’s always nice to know of celebrities who are dumb enough to have sex on tape for posterity’s sake.

I used to get some odd requests at the porn store. There were the customers who wanted threesomes, phone sex, or sex on the store counter. But the one request that I got more than any other? “Can you try on this piece of lingerie for me?”

Usually this line started out with a guy wanting to buy lingerie for his wife or girlfriend. Of course, most of the time, he would tell me that I’m the same size as his wife. So the guy would have me help pick out some lingerie… and then it would come… he would ask me to try it on to see what it would look like on his wife or girlfriend.

I could always see it coming, and no matter what how I said no, the guy would invariably offer me money to try on whatever he picked out. If I had all the money that every guy offered me for this, I’d have paid my car off a long time ago. One guy offered me 500 bucks cash… he even showed it to me… just to try on a damn nightie.

But I never said yes. Once I’m in the lingerie… what’s next? Is he going to ask me if I can give him a blowjob? Or jack him off on the lingerie? Of course he is. I’m not stupid. Plus, I have no interest in showing my ass in a thong to some random guy in a store that is badly lit.

So porn customers would often tell me about their sex lives. Some talked about sex because they were nervous and trying to act cool. Others were exhibitionists, and still some tried to used their sex escapades as odd pickup lines.

So this one couple would come in regularly and buy toys, lubes, handcuffs… you know, the usual.  And their next trip in, they would tell me what they thought of the toys they bought last time.  Not that I ever asked, mind you… they just liked to share.

So one time when they were in, this guy and his little blonde girlfriend bought a toy called the Accomodator.  Basically, a person can wear it while they are trying to orally pleasure their partner.  In theory, this toy sounds very cool… but the execution of it is just laughable.  I mean, how can you get in the mood if your partner gets into bed with a dildo strapped to his chin?

So this couple bought it and later he was telling me about what happened one night when they used it. Apparently, they were both really drunk when they got into bed that night after a big Mexican meal and drinks with friends.  The guy decides to get out the Accomodator and get down to business.  So he goes at it and, pretty soon, she starts to feel not-so-good in the tummy.  She tells him, but he’s really into what he’s doing, and he keeps going.  She says something again, but he’s still going to town.  She can’t hold it anymore and… well, you know the term “shit head”?  I guess he ended up being one, literally.

Now, what amazes me about this story is not the fact that it happened.  Hell, I’ve heard much weirder things.  No, what amazes me is that he would tell me this.  I’m not sure if having you girlfriend shit on your head is really something you want people to know, now is it?

So I once got fired from the porn store for bringing a coworker a birthday cake. Isn’t that a stupid reason to fire someone? Well, that was the official reason I was fired, but not the real reason…

I went through several managers at the porn store. Some were good, some were worthless, but the guy who fired me was more worthless than the rest. Let’s call him Sneaky Supervisor. So Sneaky Supervisor was probably my fourth manager at the porn store in the first year I worked there. As soon as he started working there, the cash started coming out wrong. It actually evened out on paper, but the credit card profits were long and the cash was short each night. Birthday Boy Coworker and I figured out that Sneaky Supervisor was running customers’ credit cards for more than what they bought, then pocketing the difference.

Birthday Boy Coworker and I decided to talk to the area manager about Sneaky Supervisor’s stealing. The night before we were going to tell the area manager, Birthday Boy Coworker told Sneaky Supervisor that we were going to tell on him. Not a good move. My thinking is, if you are going to drop a bomb on someone, only warn them if you like them. Otherwise, drop it, and let shit land where it lands. Also, don’t threaten anyone who has the power to fire you. Because you know what happened the next morning? Of course Sneaky Supervisor fired both Birthday Boy Coworker and me.

I called the area manager and explained the situation. In less than a week, Sneaky Supervisor was history, and I was offered my porn clerk job back. So I was not fired because of a birthday cake, but because Sleazy Supervisor was stealing and trying to cover his ass. So has anyone else been fired for a stupid reason? Anything as stupid as a birthday cake?

So the only time I’ve had a gun pulled on me was when the porn store was robbed one night and I had the distinct pleasure of being there. It was raining like crazy outside, so the store was a little slow on this particular night. It was one of the few nights I had a coworker with me…. normally we worked alone. So the coworker, let’s call her Marilyn, since Marilyn Monroe was her idol, she was at the register. And she was all excited about how cute she looked that night. She had on a low-cut dress, and she had worn some padding to make her boobs look bigger.

I was bored since it was slow, so I started cleaning shelves and merchandise. So I’m sitting on the floor, pulling boxed edible underwear off the shelves so I could dust, when in walked this guy with a gun. He had on a big puffy coat, the kind that always reminds me of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. He also had on a stocking cap pulled down low and a mask over his nose and mouth.

Stay-Puft Robber went up to Marilyn behind the register and tried to pull her to the register to get the money. She pointed out to him that he actually drug her over to the camera video monitor. Geez, must have been his first robbery. So he got Marilyn to the register, and started yelling at her to get the money. He yelled at the customers to not look at him while he’s at it…. like people are going to not look at someone who is robbing a place.

But surprisingly, Stay-Puft Robber did not see me because I was sitting on the floor next to a shelving unit. Now, I always imagined if the store got robbed, that I would grab a big-ass double dong off the wall and smack the person upside the head with it. Then, I would chain the robber to the door with some fuzzy cheetah handcuffs until the police got there. But I guess having someone actually rob the place really put shit into perspective for me. Did I really want to put my life on the line for a few hundred dollars and some vibrating pussies and cocks? Uh, no.

So I did the first thing that came to my head…. I hit the mother fucking door. It surprised the Stay-Puft Robber because he hadn’t even clocked me. He pointed the gun at me and said “Get your ass back in here”. I just wanted to say, “Look fucker, I’m already out the God damned door… you really think I’m coming back in there?” But I didn’t. Instead, I booked my ass to the neighboring convenience store in the rain. I promise, you have never seen a white girl run that fast in the rain across 6 lanes of traffic in your life.

I called the police from the convenience store and waited for them to show up at the porn store. So what happened? The police officers pulled up in front of the convenience store with shotguns. They came in and and one officer asks, “Where’s the guy?” All the employees at the convenience store and I looked at the cops like they wer doughnut eating idiots. I said, “The robbery is across the street.”

So the police and I went across the street to see what was going on at the porn store, but Stay-Puft Robber was gone. My coworker Marilyn was in her element with the police questioning her. She said things like, “I think the guy liked me… I’m glad I wore my falsies in my bra today.” She wanted to be the next mother fucking Patty Hearst. Anyway, since I was the more level- headed of the two of us porn slingers, I went to the back of the store to grab the tape from the video cameras. We always put in a new tape every morning. Well, guess what? Someone forgot to hit the record button on the vcr that day… the one day we get robbed.

My coworker Marilyn continued to be a crakpot, and tried to describe Stay-Puft Robber’s hairstyle and lip shape to the police. I finally turned to her and said, “Look, the dude had on a stocking cap and a mask… when the hell did you see his hair and lips?” And I swear to God she said, “I didn’t, but I can envision what they might look like.”

Well for me, that was too much crazy for one night. I called the manager, had her take over, and I went home, regretting that I didn’t hit my coworker Marilyn in the head with a fucking double dong when I had the chance.

We used to get some weird requests at the porn store. Like rolling papers, which I guess I can kind of understand. There is another store in the area that primarily sells music, but they sell porn and “tobacco smoking accessories” on the side. So people would see porn and smoking paraphenalia there and assume we had rolling papers as well. We didn’t.

I had an opera singer ask for a corset once. The corset wasn’t the weird request… we carried those… it was the fact that a opera singer was buying it. Apparently, she had been searching for a corset at several lingerie stores with no luck. A clerk at one of the stores steered her to our little porn store. The opera singer looked freaked out when she came in the store. Her eyes darted around like she didn’t want to see anything naughty, but she kind of did want to at the same time. I hooked her up with a discount for her trouble, but I found it odd that the costume department for the opera didn’t supply her with a corset.

And then there was the two pink dildos for the nunchucks. So the girl who needed the dildos was making a movie about ninja cheerleaders and school girls beating the crap out of guys, or something of that nature. She ended up buying a school girl outfit, a cheerleader outfit, a tiny cheetah bikini, and those two pink jelly dildos. She asked me what I thought was the best way to put holes in the dense jelly material so she could attach a chain to make the x-rated nunchucks. I told her that putting holes in faux penises was not my forte, but I surmised that a drill with a long drill bit would do the trick.