There was this one porn store customer who won the award for most porn rentals in my book. It would be an understatement to say he was a porn addict. He would rent 25 to 30 movies every couple of weeks. And he would always return them late. At a dollar a day late fee per movie, that really adds up. But we let him keep renting even when he had other movies out because employees earned part of the late fees as bonuses on each paycheck.

One day he walks in with a brown paper bag filled to the top with overdue movie rentals, which was how he usually returned his movies. This day, the manager, who loved to flirt with him, went through the mass of movies to see what his late fee would be. She usually cut him a deal so he could pay a discounted late fee. But in the paper bag, she found something that horrified her…. it was a movie rental from another porn store.

She pulled out the movie and yelled, “You’re cheating on us!” I thought she was going to cry, but she continued, “After we bend the rules for you, let you take as many movies as you want, give you discounts on late fees, and this is how you treat us?”

I couldn’t help but laugh… it was absolutely absurd. Who really gives a crap if people rent porn from more than one place? But my manager obviously did. After that little episode, we were told to never bend the store policies for him again.

The porn store had its fair amount of shoplifters. I didn’t have much taken on my shifts, mostly because I didn’t have the music cranked up to eleven and I’d ask people if they needed help if I heard them opening boxes. And because I was kind of a bitch when I was there and people were a little scared of me.

Some of my coworkers had some great shit stolen during their shifts. One girl had someone swipe a leather gimp mask, complete with zippers over the eyes and mouth. I guess the people were really needing to play out some Pulp Fiction fantasies.

Another coworker had a 14″ realistic dildo with balls stolen on her shift. Hmmm….”14 inches” and “realistic”… 2 things that don’t go together. But how the hell does someone get out of a store with over a foot long weiner without anyone noticing? (Actually, I sold one of those 14 inchers to a chick one time who was like 5 foot nothing. That was one of the few times I actually did a double take. Sizing her up, it looked like that thing would end up in her lungs…)

Anyway, back to the shoplifters. We used to have this crack head who would come in, grab all the clothes off of a rack, then run out the door. Even if you called 911 as soon as this guy came in, he’d be gone before anyone in dispatch even answered. I’d been warned about him, but I hadn’t been graced by his presence…. until one day he walks in.

I knew what crack head looked like from the description my fellow porn comrades gave me. As soon as he walked in the door, I sneaked over to the door and flipped the deadbolt. Then I went back to the counter to watch the fun ensue. The dude snatched an armload of stripper wear off a rack, then ran for the door…. and smacked right into the damn thing. Crack head hit the door so hard, he knocked himself on his own ass.

I had already hit our panic button for the police, so I gave the guy a choice… walk out without anything or wait for the cops. Needless to say, he left the clothes, figured out how to open that deadbolt, and got the fuck out pretty damn quick.

Back when I used to work at the porn store, there was a guy who would call and ask what kind of men’s bathing suits we had. He didn’t want to hear about trunks… only ball squeezing speedo types of bathing suits. He would want me to describe them to him. The first time he called, I did describe them. But when he started calling every Sunday afternoon, I figured out what a whacko he was.

First he would ask about the material. Then he would ask how butt hugging they were. Finally, he would ask how large the crotches on them were since he had such an incredibly large package. It always amazes me how many dirty callers have large packages…

Anyway, one Sunday a guy came in and checked out are men’s bathing suits and asked me when we were getting a new shipment. It was November at the time, so I told him, “Not anytime time soon.” Looking heartbroken, he bought some lube and some condoms and left. About 30 minutes later, I get a call from someone asking about men’s bathing suits. Coincidence? I think not.

The guy goes into his usual spiel about how his package is big and he hopes what we have will hold him. So I said, “Look, you would know since you were just in here looking at our suits. Of course he denied it, so I said, “Isn’t your name ____? No? But I’m reading it right off the credit card slip for your lube and condoms. Might I add, not extra large condoms for you extra large crotch. Now, if I look up your name in the phone book and compare the number to the one on my caller ID, won’t the number be the same?”

The porn store didn’t have caller ID, but of course large crotch Speedo guy didnt know that. He hung up on me, and as far as I know, he never called back.