One night as I was closing the porn store, I found a guy in the store’s dumpster. Okay, actually he was on the ground going through trash bags he had pulled from the dumpster. The porn store’s dumpster had a fence around it with a door, so the guy had some privacy… until I came out to throw away that night’s trash. I pulled open the fence door and there he was, bent over a trash bag with that deer in the headlights look. He stared at me and I stared back until I couldn’t stand the suspense anymore. I asked Dumpster Diver what the hell he was doing.
Apparently, he had returned a defective movie to us the day before and exchanged it for another one. However, the movie he exchanged really wasn’t defective…he just said that to the clerk who did the exchange. Dumpster Diver thought we threw the defective movies away, and he came to find the movie he exchanged so he could have two porns for the price of one. It actually wasn’t a bad plan, except we didn’t throw away defective movies. We returned them to our warehouse. I told this to Dumpster Diver… as I made him throw all the trash bags back into the dumpster.
Customers would often come into the porn store looking for particular movies that they didn’t know much about. Sometimes I could help, but often I couldn’t because there are massive amounts of porn made every year, and the porn store couldn’t possibly stock them all.
One guy asked me if I knew the movie about car salesmen that had a woman who ends up having sex with a clown in a bathtub. That one was American Built featuring Nikki Dial. A few customers requested “the movies that have rock stars throwing lunchmeat at chicks”. That was the series Backstage Sluts… classy, eh? One asked for the movie with Ron Jeremy as Greek God Hermes. The movie was called Underworld and Ron Jeremy’s version of Hermes was a cab driver with wings on his hat.
And speaking of Ron Jeremy, I’ve been looking for a particular movie with him in it lately. I saw the box cover one night at Ray’s a few years ago. The box cover featured Ron Jeremey having sex with an anatomically correct puppet. Or maybe it was a doll. Actually, I don’t know what the hell it was, but it reminded of a muppet. So for a couple of months after this great find, I would drag different friends into Ray’s to look at the box cover.
Unfortunately, I don’t remember the title anymore, so lately I’ve been slightly obsessed with finding out what it is. Now mind you, I don’t actually want to watch this damn movie. I just want to know that I didn’t make it up in my head one drunken night. So far, I haven’t found the name of this puppet porn, but dammit, I’m going to find it. Maybe I just need to go to a porn store and ask the porn clerks if they know what movie I’m talking about.
I know I’ve talked about getting hit on at the porn store in a previous blog, but not about this aspect of it. On the days I dressed kind of sexy, with cleavage baring tops or short skirts, I hardly ever got hit on. Even if I had fishnets and heels on, not a nibble was usually to be had, unless you count drunken frat boys… and I don’t.
But sometimes I would have my hair up in a bun, hardly any makeup on, and would be wearing more conservative clothes. And on those days when I looked like, well, like a librarian, I had guys all over me. And they tended to talk to me more respectfully and asked me out for dates, not for fucks. One customer would ask me out every time I looked conservative, but he was always shyer when I had my chest hanging out.
Are the traditional sexy clothes too intimidating? Is there something to be said for looking approachable? Or do you think the not-so-hot girls are easier? Come on guys, inquiring minds want to know. And ladies, have you had any experiences with this?
I read this on PostSecret the other day… “Whenever I’m buying something embarassing… I buy a birthday card too”. This happened a lot at the porn store. What happened more though was the “I’m buying this for a friend” line. Now I have to give some people the benefit of the doubt… a few customers were actually buying vibrators and dildos for their friends. A few. The rest? Of course they just told me that so they wouldn’t be embarassed.
Most of the time, the customers giving me the friend line were women buying their first vibrators. First giveaway– They would be nervous even walking in the door. Second– They wouldn’t let me help or even offer suggestions. Third– They would pay with cash, never check or credit card… (wouldn’t want any record of being at a porn store). Fourth– They would give me the line a little rushed, “I’m-buying-this-for-a-friend.”
The line never bothered me… usually I found it amusing. It was especially amusing when an older man gave me that line once. Actually, he said he was buying the item for his wife, but he didn’t have on a wedding ring. He gave me some attitude, like a porn store was so beneath him. And what was he buying? An anal plug. I told him to be sure his wife used some extra lube with it.
Okay, so when I worked at the porn store, I sold a lot of porn movies to people. Sometimes people wouldn’t like what they ended up with and would ask to trade for another movie. The porn store went through five managers while I was there. Depending on which manager I had at the time, the policy for a movie exchange was:
a) let the customer trade the movie for another one
b) only a defective movie can be exchanged
c) tell the customer tough shit
I followed the changes in movie exchange policies for awhile, until I said fuck it and developed my own exchange system. It was a lot easier that way… and more entertaining. If a movie was defective, I would take it back and let the person pick out some functioning smut. Then I would write “1st exchange” on the person’s receipt. This would deter people who would pay 19.95 for one movie, and then proceed to exchange it 4 or 5 times while using the “defective” excuse.
Movies that weren’t defective were brought back because customers didn’t like the content of the movies. I based my exchange decision for these solely on the reason why a customer didn’t like a particular movie. A reason like, “This movie shows these people on the cover, but they aren’t in the movie”, was fine with me. “The camera work in this movie was so shitty, my blind grandmother could have done a better job”, worked too. “This movie has Ron Jeremy”, not only worked, but most likely warranted a look of sympathy from me.
Then their were the reasons given that didn’t work on me. An exchange for, “This movie called ‘Only Blowjobs’ has only blowjobs in it… no sex”, wasn’t going to happen. Neither was, “The chicks with big 80’s hair on the cover of this movie also have big 80’s bushes”. “This movie called ‘Unnatural Sex’ only has oral and anal sex, no regular sex”, wasn’t floating my boat either.
So to recap, if a movie was defective or the customer could give me a valid reason, I would let them have another movie. If the customer was stupid and didn’t even look at the box cover to begin with, porn store policy ‘c’ went back into effect… tell the customer tough shit.
The porn store had more than it’s share of odd toys. Here are just a few…
Pleasure Periscope — land ho!
Anoscope — dirty land ho!
Expandable butt plug — maybe this should be used before the anoscope…
The Accomodator — for when you just wanna do it all.
Mini Mouse — I’m not sure how this is supposed to be sexy.
Osaki Vibrator — Old man and a beaver.
Gerbil Flex Pleaser Wand– and yes, it even has a little gerbil face.
The Osaki vibrator was the one I disliked the most. Why would you buy a vibrator with an old man on it? Gerontophilia, anyone?
At one point when I worked at the porn store, one of the churches in the area decided to protest our existence in their neighborhood. Some church folks thought school students could walk by and see into the windows.
Now I suppose if anyone stuck their little noses against the glass, they could see in… in between the clothing displays that were put in the windows to block the view. But all they had for their viewing pleasure were greeting cards, lotions, and lingerie. All the “good stuff” was behind another wall… like the big butt magazines, vibrating phallic bunnies, even the clown porn was behind that wall… away from prying eyes.
The church contacted the newspaper and there was an article written about the porn store. Guess what happened? People saw that article and came in to check us out. A few new customers even told me that they didn’t know about us until they read the newspaper article. Score for us.
I guess the church talked about our sinful little store one day in the sermon, or adult Sunday school, or whatever forum it was that Sunday morning. And after church…. more than a few people from the church came in to check us out. I think they were trying to see how sinful we really were, but some of them actually bought stuff.
It just goes to show you that bad publicity can be good publicity… especially with anything vaguely sinful like a porn store.