Saturday night I went to the Record Bar to meet a few friends. You know it’s a good night when it ends with you puking on a street corner like a hobo. Like I said, it was a good night.

When I worked at the porn store, there were a ton of drunk people that came to the store. There were large groups that came in after hitting the bars. And of course their were the bachelor and bachelorette groups that would drive me nuts. And then just the random people who were trashed and would drive to the store to buy crap they would never buy when they were sober.

There used to be this one college couple that would come in after they drinking a few, pick out a few nudie magazines to look at, then sit on the floor and peruse their chosen smut. I would usually let them sit there for awhile before I kicked them out.

This one drunk guy came in during a Chiefs football game and proceeded to yell at me because I didn’t have the game on the radio. He tried to come behind the counter to change the channel so I yelled at him sternly like I was his 3rd grade teacher. He got this wounded puppy dog look on his face and walked out of the store.

Then there were the people who would come in all high and rent porn movies. They would pull out the dvd packages and laugh at the naked people in compromising positions. Anyway, one time this guy didn’t have any cash on him for his movies so he tried to give me a joint as payment. I had to decline because I couldn’t exactly put a joint in my bank deposit for the night, now could I?

The training at the porn store was not much different than most retail jobs. I had to learn how to display merchandise attractively so it would sell. I had to learn how to make displays out of lingerie, flavored lotion, condoms, and nipple clamps… not as easy as it sounds. Also, I had to rearrange the dildo wall on a regular basis. Since I’m a pretty decent organizer, I always got stuck with redoing that dildo wall, which was a pain in the ass because we had well over a 100 kinds of toys on that damn wall.

Then there was the inventory. Same as any store, except I had to find things in the store by just a name like “Italian Stallion” or “Absolute Force”. Hell, those could be anything, from porn movies to dildos or even herbal supplements. And then there was training on cleaning. When cleaning any shelves, we had to remove all the merchandise, clean off the shelves, then put everything back. Not fun when we sold at least 50 different kinds of flavored lotions and lubes and we kept 10 bottles in stock of each.

The weirdest part of the training was when customers wanted to buy an adult toy, we gave complimentary batteries. But, not only did we give them free batteries, we actually put them in the toys and turned those suckers on. That way we could see if the toys worked before leaving the store. Most people didn’t really care if we turned on their toys, but some were pretty embarrassed. I even had some people leave the store without their battery operated plastic penises when I put the battieries in.

After I’d been there for a few years, the store quit giving away batteries. The higher-ups said it was to save money, but I knew better. They got tired of losing sales when people would run out of the stores red with embarrassment because a porn clerk had stuck some batteries in their naughty toys ūüėČ

The porn store where I worked had some S & M stuff, but not like a few other stores in the city. I think people into S & M were always disappointed by our selection while regular people were amazed by the same selection. We had a little in the way of leather and rubber wear. but not much. For a few months, I was obsessed with this one outfit that was made of criss-crossed leather straps, but I never bought it. At least I got to try it on a few times.

The store also carried various collars, leashes, handcuffs, bondage straps, canes, and whips, and nipple clamps. We sold tons of the collars that said “slave”, but not as many of the “master” ones… maybe because people can figure out pretty quick who the master was. We also sold penis collars with leashes on them. Hey, if that is what you are into, be my guest.

There was this one dominatrix who would come in with her clients who always tried to make me feel stupid, but it didn’t really work. She would ask how long some of the whips were, then say, “Oh, you wouldn’t know that, would you?”. Um, yes, I would, since the measurements were on the tags. Her clients always paid for the items she was going to use on them.

One night when I was closing up the place, a guy called to ask a question. He had bought some handcuffs from me earlier in the night. He put them on, then put the key in between his teeth so he could get to it easily. But, somehow, he swallowed the key. So he called the store to see if I could bring a key to him. He wanted me to go to some weirdo’s house and unlock him from handcuffs? Give me a break.

I told him that he bought standard issue police handcuffs from me. He could call the police and they would be happy to unlock him. Well, they may not be happy about it, but they could get a laugh. Then asked him if he could get someone to buy some more handcuffs from one of the 24 hours porn stores so he could get a key. He said he didn’t want to tell anyone else. He didn’t want to call the police, didn’t want to call anyone else, and I sure as hell wasn’t coming over, so I told him he could wait until the key passed, then unlock himself. I’m not sure whatever happened to that guy, but I just wonder if he ended up digging through his own shit to find that key.

At the porn store, the bachelorette party groups who came in were pretty bad, but the bachelor groups really didn’t bother me.¬† They would buy inflatable women or animals, like sheep.¬† One of the blow up dolls was called the Perfect Date. She¬†was only 3 feet tall… perfect for blowjobs, and she had a cup holder¬†for¬†the guy’s beer.

The guys would¬†also usually¬†buy some¬†porn.¬† Sometimes it would be some regular porn, but¬†often they had fun with it… big girl porn, midget porn, gerontophilia porn (sex with old people),¬†tranny porn, and bend over boys movies.¬† What’s a bend over boy, you ask? ¬†It’s a¬†guy who bends over and takes it from a girl with a strap on dildo.¬†(I¬†bet you are sorry¬†you asked now.)

And when bachelor parties, or guys in general go to strip clubs, it’s completely different than when women go to see the guys.¬†¬†Men at strip clubs¬†are just… quiet.¬† Guys just sit there with their hard ons and eight dollar drinks and enjoy the scenery.

On the other hand, women¬†hoot, holler, whistle, and scream.¬† But I guess I can’t say much…¬†at my bachelorette party,¬†my group¬†did¬†its fair share of noise making.¬† Oh, and if you go to Diamond Joe’s for the male revue, I highly recommend Dante for a lap dance.¬† He’s worth way more than any amount of money you could give him… just ask anyone who was there with me that night ūüėČ

When I worked at the porn store, a ton of bachelorette groups would come in to buy stuff. Out of all the customers, I think bachelorette parties were my least favorite… even worse than drag queens. Usually they would buy the stupid veil with the condoms on it, name tags with suggestive names, and the suck-for-a-buck t-shirts, where you suck a candy off the shirt for a dollar. And let’s not forget the penis cups, penis straws, and the 5 foot tall inflatable penis.

Bachelorette parties are also by far the most annoying groups of people in bars. They are loud and obnoxious, but they sure do make it easy for guys to pick them up. The guys I know will find the bride, then find one of her friends and figure out who is the most inebriated. That’s how they decide who to try to take home with them. I think the reasoning is anyone with a penis straw in her mouth is good to go.

I know how annoying a drunken gaggle of girls can be with penis hats on, so for my bachelorette party, I banned all veils, t-shirts with stupid slogans or candy on them, and all penis-shaped paraphernalia. And we didn’t go to a bar, we went to a strip club. And you know what? It felt pretty good getting a lap dance from a mostly naked man without having a stupid veil with penises attached on top of my head.

The porn store I worked at carried a lot of large stripper shoe sizes for the drag queens in the area. And let me tell you, they could be bitchier than real women. The drag queens would often come to the store in groups, and most would have attitude and expect me to wait on them hand and foot. And if you know me, you know that ain’t gonna happen.

First, they would want me to get out every pair of shoes and boots we had in size 12 and 13. Here I have to give them some props… stripper shoes are uncomfortable enough if they are the right size, but most of the time, these guys were shoving their feet into shoes that were at least a size too small. Sometimes it can hurt to be a beautiful bitch.

After I got out the shoes, they would try them on and strut around like they were supermodels. They wanted me to tell them which shoes looked the best. Usually I would point out one pair, and at least two of the drag queens would roll their eyes at me. Apparently, my taste was a bit sedate for their flamboyant style. But really, it didn’t matter what shoes I pointed to… they would have rolled their eyes at me anyway. They made it out like I was a woman… and I just couldn’t understand women’s shoes. Go figure.

Not all of the drag queens were bitchy, but most of them were. I mean, I can be bitchy, but not that bad… well, not until a drag queen gets in my face and pisses me off. One time, one yelled at me about something and called me fat, and I finally said, “Look bitch, my ass may be bigger than yours, but at least my tits are real.” We all got a good laugh out of it. After that, most of them were a lot nicer to me. I guess I just had to show them that a real woman could be just as much of a bitch as any old drag queen.

So I used to hit the strip clubs with some of my coworkers at the porn store. One time we went out to the Million Dollar Fantasy Ranch to see Elizabeth Hilden, 1997 Penthouse Pet of the Year. My coworkers and I would always try to dress stripper-cute for the strip clubs… little tops, short skirts, stripper heels… and this time was no exception. I wore a tiny top that zipped up the side, a black miniskirt, and platform heels.

We watched the dancers until the main attraction. Then Elizabeth Hilden came out to do her thing. My coworkers and I went to the stage to give her some tips. When I tried to give her my money, she told me to wait a minute. Then she pulled me up on stage and said, “I’m going to take your top off now, is that okay?” I mentioned to her that I didn’t have a bra on. She smiled at me and said, “I don’t think the audience will mind.” Then she unzipped my top, eventually had me lay down on the stage, and climbed on top of me.

Well, for the rest of the night, I had guys coming up to me and giving me tips. And one of the guys with us kept saying, “Are you sure you are not a stripper?” I had to tell him that I work in a library during the day, and a porn store at night, not a strip club.

When I worked at the porn store, customers frequently asked for porn movies with famous people in them. This was when sex tapes were getting really big, like the one with Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, and Tommy’s huge penis.

For the hell of it, I searched the internet for a list of famous people who have been in porn, to no avail. So I made a list of actors, actresses, musicians, and celebutantes I could think of who have been in porn movies….

Porn Cameos (non sex roles)

Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Eve 6 – “Backstage Sluts” series
Insane Clown Posse – “Backstage Sluts” series
Jonathan Davis (Korn) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Lemmy (Motorhead) – “Backstage Sluts” series
Snoop Dogg – “Doggystyle”
Lil Jon – “Vivid Vegas Party”
50 Cent – “Groupie Love”

Porn Movies

Jackie Chan – “All in the Family” [submitted by Death’s Door]
Sylvester Stallone – “Party at Kitty and Stud’s”
Scotty Schwartz (A Christmas Story) – “Still Insatiable”
Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard) – “Reign of Tera” (with wife Tera Patrick)
Ben Davidson (former NFL Oakland Raider) – “Behind the Green Door”
Dave Nelson (former NFL running back and American Gladiator ‘Titan’) – “Backfield in Motion”

Sex Tapes: Musicians

Tommy Lee (Motley Crue) and Pamela Anderson
Bret Michaels (Pretty boy from Poison) and Pamela Anderson
Vince Neil (tubby singer of Motley Crue)
Fred Durst (again… for pity’s sake, no one wants to see him have sex)
Usher (and two girls having sex to TLC song… he was dating band member Chili at the time)
R. Kelly (with an underage girl… hey she looked 18!)
Eve (rapper)
Trina (rapper)
Madonna and Vanilla Ice (or so he says)
Kid Rock and Scott Stapp from Creed (with 4 groupies in a bus… down by the river)

Sex Tapes: Actors and Actresses

Rob Lowe (seriously officer, both girls said they were 18)
Colin Farrell (and Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain)
Gena Lee Nolin (one of the many blondes on Baywatch)
Tom Sizemore (8 hour sex tape… damn)
Steve Guttenburg (3 Men and a Baby)
Kelsey Grammer (hey, I ain’t making this shit up)
Dustin Diamond (Saved By the Bell)

Sex Tapes: Athletes

O.J. Simpson (with two prostitutes)
Chyna and X Pac (former WWF wrestlers)
Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly (of Nancy Kerrigan knee-capping fame)

Sex Tapes: Famous Why?

Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon (Shannen Doherty’s husband at the time)
Paris Hilton, Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz, and former MTV VJ Simon Rex
Jordan (aka Katie Price, aka the British model with the huge rack)
Abi Titmuss (British personality – her name makes me giggle)
Keely Hazell (Page 3 model)
Kim Kardashian (socialite)
Bam Margera (of Jackass fame)

If you can think of anyone else famous who has been in porn, or random trivia, let me know and I’ll add them to the list. It’s always nice to know of celebrities who are dumb enough to have sex on tape for posterity’s sake.

I used to get some odd requests at the porn store. There were the customers who wanted threesomes, phone sex, or sex on the store counter. But the one request that I got more than any other? “Can you try on this piece of lingerie for me?”

Usually this line started out with a guy wanting to buy lingerie for his wife or girlfriend. Of course, most of the time, he would tell me that I’m the same size as his wife. So the guy would have me help pick out some lingerie… and then it would come… he would ask me to try it on to see what it would look like on his wife or girlfriend.

I could always see it coming, and no matter what how I said no, the guy would invariably offer me money to try on whatever he picked out. If I had all the money that every guy offered me for this, I’d have paid my car off a long time ago. One guy offered me 500 bucks cash… he even showed it to me… just to try on a damn nightie.

But I never said yes. Once I’m in the lingerie… what’s next? Is he going to ask me if I can give him a blowjob? Or jack him off on the lingerie? Of course he is. I’m not stupid. Plus, I have no interest in showing my ass in a thong to some random guy in a store that is badly lit.

So porn customers would often tell me about their sex lives. Some talked about sex because they were nervous and trying to act cool. Others were exhibitionists, and still some tried to used their sex escapades as odd pickup lines.

So this one couple would come in regularly and buy toys, lubes, handcuffs… you know, the usual.¬† And their next trip in, they would tell me what they thought of the toys they bought last time.¬† Not that I ever asked, mind you… they just liked to share.

So one time when they were in, this guy and his little blonde girlfriend bought a toy called the Accomodator.¬† Basically, a person can wear it while they are trying to orally pleasure their partner.¬†¬†In theory, this toy sounds very cool… but the execution of it¬†is just¬†laughable.¬† I mean,¬†how can you get in the mood if¬†your partner¬†gets into bed¬†with a¬†dildo strapped to¬†his chin?

So this couple bought it and later he was telling me about what happened one night when they used¬†it.¬†Apparently, they¬†were both really drunk when they got into bed that night after a big Mexican meal and drinks with friends.¬† The guy decides to get out the Accomodator and get down to business.¬† So he¬†goes¬†at it and, pretty soon, she starts to feel not-so-good in the tummy.¬† She tells him, but he’s really into what he’s doing, and he keeps going.¬† She¬†says something again,¬†but he’s still going to town.¬†¬†She can’t hold it anymore and… well, you¬†know the term “shit head”?¬† I guess he ended up being one, literally.

Now, what amazes me about this story is not the fact that it happened.¬† Hell,¬†I’ve heard much weirder¬†things.¬†¬†No, what amazes me is that he would tell me this.¬† I’m not sure if having¬†you girlfriend shit on your head is really¬†something you want people¬†to know, now is it?